Naming What Happened

What it is

Learning the words for what you went through — like neglect, or emotional, spiritual, or educational abuse, or C-PTSD.

Why it helps you

Having a name for it is a huge relief. It shows you that you are not broken, and that you are not alone.

This opens up

Being Kind to Yourself, Calming Your Body.

Where to get help

Learn the words

Pete Walker’s free articles on Complex PTSD Pete Walker is a licensed therapist who writes about growing up with abuse or neglect. His short articles explain things like “emotional flashbacks” and the harsh “inner critic” in plain words.

Cost: Free to read online.
Who can use it: Anyone.
How to start: Read “13 Steps for Managing Flashbacks”.
Good to know: Needs internet. His book, Complex PTSD: From Surviving to Thriving, is in many libraries. Find it at a library near you.

The Laundry List, from Adult Children of Alcoholics & Dysfunctional Families (ACA) A short list of 14 traits that many people share after growing up in a hard home. You do not need to have had a parent who drank. Many readers say, “This is me.”

Cost: Free.
Who can use it: Anyone who grew up in a home with chaos, neglect, or abuse.
How to start: Read the list. If it fits, ACA has free meetings too (see below).
Good to know: Needs internet to read online.

Talk with people who get it

Out of the Storm A free online forum for adults living with the effects of long-term abuse or neglect. You do not need a diagnosis to join.

Cost: Free.
Who can use it: English-speaking adults.
How to start: Read the “Symptoms” page first. If you want to post, make a username. You do not have to use your real name.
Good to know: This is peer support, not a crisis line.

ACA meetings Free group meetings for adults who grew up in troubled homes. There are meetings in person, online, and by phone.

Cost: Free. You can give money, but you never have to.
Who can use it: Any adult from a troubled home.
How to start: Use the meeting search. Pick an online or phone meeting. You can just listen.
Good to know: ACA is a 12-step group. It uses words like “Higher Power.” You get to decide what that means for you, or skip it.

If you were homeschooled

Coalition for Responsible Home Education (CRHE) — help for homeschool alumni A group started by people who were homeschooled. It has free guides on healing, getting a diploma or transcript, and what to do if your schooling left gaps. It also runs online groups just for homeschool alumni.

Cost: Free.
Who can use it: Anyone who was homeschooled.
How to start: Read “How to Pursue Healing and Justice”. To join an alumni group, sign up on the alumni groups page.
Good to know: Groups are online and led by trained alumni. You can email info@responsiblehomeschooling.org or call 617-765-7096.

If what happened included sexual abuse

RAINN National Sexual Assault Hotline Free, private support for anyone hurt by sexual abuse or assault. That includes abuse that happened when you were a child.

Cost: Free.
Who can use it: Anyone, any age.
How to start: Call 1-800-656-4673, text HOPE to 64673, or chat at rainn.org/hotline.
Good to know: Open 24/7, in English and Spanish.

You are not alone

Educated, by Tara Westover A true story by a woman who was kept out of school and later left her family to learn. Many former homeschoolers say it helped them feel less alone.

Cost: Free to borrow from a library.
Who can use it: Anyone.
How to start: Ask your library for the book or audiobook. It also comes in Spanish (Una educación).
Good to know: Some parts describe injury and abuse. Go slowly, and stop when you need to.

If you only do one thing first

Read the ACA Laundry List. It takes five minutes. If parts of it sound like you, that is not a sign you are broken. It is a sign that what happened to you was real, and that many people share it.

Watch out for

Unlicensed “trauma coaches.” Anyone can call themselves a coach. They have no license and no one checks their work. Look for a license like LCSW, LPC, LMFT, or psychologist, and check it with your state.
Big fees for “healing packages.” Be careful of anyone who wants hundreds or thousands of dollars up front for a course or retreat. Free groups and library books are a safe place to start.
Pushing you to dig up everything fast. Good help goes at your pace. If someone pushes you to relive the worst parts before you feel safe, you can stop.
“You’re not ready” or “your energy is off.” If a helper blames you when things don’t get better, that is a red flag. You are allowed to leave.
Online “tests” that diagnose you. Quizzes can help you think. Only a licensed professional can diagnose something like C-PTSD.