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The Anytime Book

Healthy Relationships and Red Flags

What it is

Section titled “What it is”

What healthy love and friendship look like, and how to spot warning signs like control or manipulation.

Why it helps you

Section titled “Why it helps you”

If you grew up around harm, the harmful can feel normal. This helps you choose people who are safe and kind.

Good to have first

Section titled “Good to have first”

Boundaries and Saying No.

This opens up

Section titled “This opens up”

Dating, safer relationships of every kind.

Where to get help

Section titled “Where to get help”

Talk to someone now

Section titled “Talk to someone now”

These lines are free and private. Calling does not mean you have to leave anyone. Advocates help you think through choices, but they don’t make decisions for you. If you can, reach out when the person you’re worried about isn’t nearby.

National Domestic Violence Hotline Trained advocates who help you sort out what’s happening, make a safety plan, and find local help.

  • Cost: Free
  • Who can use it: Anyone who is worried about a partner or family member — or about a friend
  • How to start: Call 1-800-799-7233, text START to 88788, or chat on the website.
  • Good to know: Open 24/7. Waits can be long at busy times. The site also has a computer chat helper; if you want a real person, call, text, or use live chat.

love is respect The same kind of help, focused on dating and young adults.

  • Cost: Free
  • Who can use it: Teens, young adults, and the people who care about them
  • How to start: Call 1-866-331-9474, text LOVEIS to 22522, or chat on the website.
  • Good to know: Open 24/7. You can ask “Is this normal?” — no question is too small.

StrongHearts Native Helpline A helpline for Native Americans and Alaska Natives, run with Native culture in mind.

  • Cost: Free
  • Who can use it: Native American and Alaska Native people facing domestic or sexual violence
  • How to start: Call or text START to 1-844-762-8483, or use the chat on the website.
  • Good to know: Open 24/7. You can stay anonymous.

The Deaf Hotline Deaf advocates who sign, for Deaf, DeafBlind, and hard of hearing people.

Learn the signs

Section titled “Learn the signs”

One Love: 10 Signs of an Unhealthy Relationship Short, clear explanations of warning signs, like possessiveness, guilt-tripping, and isolation. The site also lists 10 signs of a healthy relationship.

  • Cost: Free
  • Who can use it: Anyone
  • How to start: Read the list. Ask yourself which ones you’ve seen — in a partner, a friend, or family.
  • Good to know: The signs apply to friendships and families too, not just dating.

ICSA online library Articles and survivor stories about high-control groups and cults, from the International Cultic Studies Association.

  • Cost: Free to read
  • Who can use it: Anyone
  • How to start: Search the library for “leaving” or “recovery.”
  • Good to know: ICSA shares information. It does not offer counseling or direct help.

Find a safe place nearby

Section titled “Find a safe place nearby”

DomesticShelters.org A free directory of domestic violence programs and shelters.

  • Cost: Free
  • Who can use it: Anyone
  • How to start: Type your ZIP code into the search.
  • Good to know: Covers the US and Canada. If someone checks your phone or computer, consider calling a hotline from a safer device instead.

If you only do one thing first

Section titled “If you only do one thing first”

If something in a relationship feels wrong but you can’t say why, call or text the National Domestic Violence Hotline (call 1-800-799-7233 or text START to 88788). You can just describe what’s happening and ask, “Is this okay?” You don’t have to give your name.

Watch out for

Section titled “Watch out for”
  • Love bombing. Huge affection, gifts, and “you’re my soulmate” in the first days or weeks. It can feel wonderful after loneliness. But it’s often how control starts. Healthy love grows at a pace that feels comfortable.
  • “If you loved me, you’d share your passwords.” A partner who demands your passwords, your location, or your phone is controlling, not caring. “Safety” apps can be used to track you.
  • Being cut off. Someone who slowly pulls you away from friends, family, work, or school is making you depend on them.
  • Couples counseling with an abusive partner. Many abuse experts warn this can make things worse. Talk to a hotline advocate first about safer options.
  • Paid “deprogrammers” and unlicensed coaches. Be careful of anyone charging big fees to “fix” you after leaving a group. Free peer support and licensed therapists are safer. Never go into debt for it.
  • Paid shelter lists. Shelter and hotline information is always free. Anyone charging for it is a scam.