Being Kind to Yourself

What it is

Trading a harsh inner voice for a kinder one, and moving from “there’s never enough” to “I can learn and grow.”

Why it helps you

The cruel voice in your head was put there by others. You can turn it down. This makes failure survivable, so you can keep trying.

This opens up

Knowing Who You Are, Resting Without Guilt.

Where to get help

A kind pause you can take anywhere

The Self-Compassion Break A five-minute practice from the University of California, Berkeley. You put a hand on your chest and say three short, kind things to yourself.

Cost: Free
Who can use it: Anyone.
How to start: Think of something small that is bothering you. Then follow the steps on the page.
Good to know: You do not need to make an account.

Turn down the harsh voice

Shrinking the Inner Critic, by Pete Walker A free article by a licensed therapist. It explains where the cruel voice in your head came from, and how to answer it back.

Cost: Free
Who can use it: Anyone. It is written for people who grew up with abuse or neglect.
How to start: Read the article. Then find one line you can say back to your critic, like “I don’t have to be perfect to be safe.”
Good to know: His site also has a list called “14 Common Inner Critic Attacks.”

Building Self-Compassion workbook A free workbook from a government health service in Western Australia. It has seven short parts that teach you, step by step, to treat yourself more kindly.

Cost: Free
Who can use it: Anyone.
How to start: Download Module 1. Read one page a day if that is all you can do.
Good to know: It uses Australian spelling. You can print it at a library.

Perfectionism in Perspective workbook A free workbook from the same service. It helps if you feel you must be perfect, or that your worth depends on how much you get done.

Cost: Free
Who can use it: Anyone.
How to start: Download Module 1, “What is Perfectionism?”
Good to know: There are nine parts. Take them slowly.

For hard feelings

RAIN, by Tara Brach RAIN is a simple four-step way to be gentle with a hard feeling: Recognize it, Allow it, look at it with care, and Nurture yourself. Tara Brach, PhD, is a well-known meditation teacher.

Cost: Free
Who can use it: Anyone.
How to start: Play one of the short guided recordings, or print the free guide.
Good to know: Her work comes from Buddhist meditation. You do not have to believe anything to use it.

Someone to talk to

NAMI HelpLine NAMI is the largest mental health group in the U.S. Its HelpLine gives free support and can help you find free local groups and services.

Cost: Free
Who can use it: Anyone.
How to start: Call 1-800-950-6264 or text NAMI to 62640.
Good to know: Open Monday to Friday, 10 a.m. to 10 p.m. Eastern Time. It is not a crisis line. In a crisis, call or text 988.

If you only do one thing first

The next time your inner voice is harsh, put a hand on your chest. Say, “This is hard. Other people feel this too. I can be kind to myself right now.” That’s it. You don’t have to believe it yet. You are practicing.

Watch out for

“Just think positive.” Being kind to yourself does not mean pretending you are fine. Anger and sadness are allowed. Be careful of books or groups that tell you to never complain.
Paid “self-love” masterclasses and retreats. You do not need to pay hundreds of dollars. The tools on this page are free.
Life coaches who “love-bomb” you. Some people shower you with attention and praise, then ask for money. Real help does not rush you to pay.
Telling the worst parts over and over, with no support. Going over painful stories again and again can make you feel worse. It is okay to go slowly and get help from a trained person.