Leaving Family Safely

What it is

Stepping away from a harmful family — going no-contact, changing your name, keeping your address private, and protective orders.

Why it helps you

If your family is a danger, you have the right to be safe and hard to find. There are careful, legal ways to do it.

Good to have first

Knowing Your Rights.

This opens up

A safer, freer life.

Where to get help

Make a safety plan with someone trained

Leaving can be the riskiest time, because the people you leave may push harder to keep control. You don’t have to figure it out alone. Advocates help people plan this every day, and they won’t push you to leave before you’re ready.

National Domestic Violence Hotline Trained advocates listen, help you make a safety plan, and connect you with shelters and legal help near you. Many people think of it as a line for partner abuse, but you can call about abuse from family, too.

Cost: Free
Who can use it: Anyone who is being hurt, threatened, or controlled, or who is worried about it.
How to start: Call 1-800-799-7233, text START to 88788, or chat on the website. You can say, “My family is controlling me and I want to leave safely.”
Good to know: Open 24/7. No ID or money needed. Wait times can be long. The site has a safety plan tool you can fill in online. If someone checks your phone or computer, use a library computer or a safe friend’s phone.

Other free, confidential lines:

StrongHearts Native Helpline, for Native American and Alaska Native people: call or text 1-844-762-8483, 24/7.
RAINN National Sexual Assault Hotline: call 1-800-656-4673 or text HOPE to 64673, 24/7.
988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline: call or text 988 if you feel hopeless or think about ending your life, 24/7.
VictimConnect Resource Center, for victims of any crime, including stalking and abuse: call or text 1-855-484-2846, 24/7. They help you find local victim services and learn your rights.

Leaving a high-control religion or group

Recovering from Religion Trained peer helpers talk with people who are doubting or leaving a religion, or hurting from religious abuse or shunning. They will not argue with you about belief or push you either way.

Cost: Free
Who can use it: Anyone
How to start: Call 1-844-368-2848 or use the chat bubble on the website.
Good to know: They try to answer around the clock, but a person isn’t always free right away. They also list support groups and therapists who understand religious trauma. Those therapists charge fees.

Footsteps Support for adults leaving, or thinking about leaving, ultra-Orthodox Jewish communities. They offer peer support, school and career help, and scholarships.

Cost: Free to join. Almost everything they offer is free.
Who can use it: People 18 and older from ultra-Orthodox communities, no matter when they left.
How to start: Call 1-877-783-7755 (877-STEPS-55). A first talk doesn’t mean you have to join.
Good to know: Based in the New York City area. Many programs are online and open to people anywhere in the US.

Legal protection

A protective order (also called a restraining order) is a court order that tells someone to stay away from you. In many states, family members count. Rules and costs differ by state. A local domestic violence advocate can help you fill out the papers and may go to court with you.

WomensLaw.org Plain-language legal information by state, on protective orders, custody, and more. It is run by the National Network to End Domestic Violence. It helps all survivors, not only women.

Cost: Free
Who can use it: Anyone
How to start: Pick your state under “Know the Laws.” To ask your own question, use the email hotline.
Good to know: An attorney answers or reviews each email, usually in 1 to 5 business days. They give legal information, not legal advice, and they can’t call you.

Changing your name. A name change needs a court order. Many states let you ask the court to waive (skip) the fee if you can’t pay. Many also let you keep the case private or skip printing your name in the newspaper if you are in danger. Find your state’s free forms and rules on LawHelp.org. In some states, LawHelp Interactive fills out the forms for you for free after you answer questions. Never pay a website for a “name change kit.” Ask a legal aid lawyer or advocate to help you ask the judge to keep your case private. Then update your name with Social Security and the DMV (USAGov name change guide).

Free immigration legal help If a family member controls your immigration papers or threatens to have you deported, there may be special protections for you. This official list from the immigration courts shows groups that give free immigration legal help.

Cost: Free
Who can use it: Anyone. It was made for people in immigration court, but the groups on it help others too.
How to start: Open the list and find your state. Call a group near you and say, “A family member is abusing me and controls my immigration status.”
Good to know: Never pay a “notario” or “consultant” for immigration help. The Hotline and LawHelp.org can also point you to free immigration lawyers.

Keeping your new address private

Many states have an Address Confidentiality Program. It gives you a free substitute address to use on state and local government records, like a driver’s license or voter record. The program then forwards your mail to your real home. Most programs are for survivors of domestic violence, sexual assault, stalking, or trafficking. Abuse by family often counts, but check your state’s rules. In most states, you sign up with help from a local advocate.

Address Confidentiality Programs by state A list of every state’s program and how to reach it, kept up by the Missouri Secretary of State.

Cost: Free
Who can use it: Anyone looking for their state’s program.
How to start: Find your state. Or ask a local domestic violence advocate to help you apply. The Hotline can connect you to one.
Good to know: A few states only protect certain records, like a driver’s license. These programs mostly cover state and local government records. Banks, phone companies, and stores may not have to use the substitute address, but many will if you ask.

If your family calls the police to find you. Being out of touch with family is not a crime for an adult. Families sometimes ask police for a “welfare check” or file a missing person report. Police departments such as Los Angeles and Las Vegas say that once they find a missing adult, they tell the family the person is safe. They don’t share where you are without your consent. If an officer reaches you, you can calmly say you are safe and that you don’t want your location shared. Rules can differ if a court has named someone your guardian. Ask an advocate or legal aid about your state.

Untangling from family accounts

Separate your phone line from a family plan A federal law, the Safe Connections Act, lets survivors move their cell phone line off an account shared with an abuser. You keep your number.

Cost: Free. The company can’t charge early cancellation fees.
Who can use it: Survivors of domestic violence, sexual assault, stalking, trafficking, and similar crimes. You don’t need to be the account holder.
How to start: Contact your phone company and say, “I am requesting a line separation under the Safe Connections Act.”
Good to know: You need a paper that names you and the abuser, such as a protective order, a police report, or a signed statement from a victim advocate, social worker, or doctor. The company usually must act within two business days. You may also qualify for help paying your phone bill.

More steps, when you’re ready:

Health insurance mail. If you’re still on a family health plan, bills and benefit letters may go to the family home. Under federal privacy law, you can ask the plan to send them to another address if mail at home could put you in danger (HHS privacy rule summary).
Credit freeze. A free credit freeze stops anyone from opening new credit in your name. Place it with Equifax, Experian, and TransUnion (FTC guide). See Credit and Debt.
People-search websites. These sites post addresses online. The Safety Net Project explains how data brokers work and what you can do.
Your phone and accounts. Shared devices, family plans, and location sharing can show where you are. The Safety Net Project’s survivor toolkit walks you through checking them. See also Staying Safe Online.

If a child at home is not safe

You may be worried about younger brothers or sisters you left behind. If a child is in danger right now, call 911.

Childhelp National Child Abuse Hotline Counselors talk with anyone worried about a child, or anyone hurt as a child. They can help you think through what you saw and explain how to make a report.

Cost: Free
Who can use it: Anyone, including adults who were abused as kids.
How to start: Call 1-800-422-4453. You can also text or chat from the website.
Good to know: Open 24/7, with interpreters in many languages. Childhelp is not where you make a report. It is a safe place to talk first. To report, contact your state’s child protective services. Find the number on the official list of state reporting numbers.

If you only do one thing first

Call or text the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-7233, from a phone your family can’t check. You don’t need to be sure what you want yet. An advocate can help you make a plan that fits your life. They can also connect you with a local advocate for protective orders and address privacy.

Watch out for

Being tracked through shared things. Family phone plans, shared computers, location sharing, and shared accounts can show where you are. Make your plans on a device your family can’t reach, and ask an advocate before you change things in a way your family might notice.
Mail forwarding. When you file a change of address with the post office, it mails a letter to your old address to confirm the move (USPS). If family lives there, they may see it. Talk with an advocate about safer ways to handle mail.
Paid “deprogrammers” and “rescuers.” Be careful of people who charge large fees to “rescue” you or someone else from a group. Real help comes from free hotlines, peer support, and licensed therapists.
Paid name-change websites. Some websites charge a lot to fill out name-change forms. The forms are free from your state court, and you can ask for a fee waiver.
Fake websites. Some scam sites look like real government or nonprofit sites. Check the address. Real government sites end in .gov.